Christmas Curiosities: Top 12 Oddest, Most Baffling, Absolute Worst, Never-to-Be-Classic Holiday Music Offerings

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

I like holiday music. There, I said it. And I’m not ashamed. For any of you who’ve reached a certain age — say, fifteen — the annual onslaught of the same-old same-old is enough to drive you crazy. But me, I get all gooshy inside with memories of Christmases past, the history, the sentiments, the presents, the scent of pine. And the carols. Happily, many other people are also smitten by Christmas music. And some of them have taken that smittitude to rather amazing, and sometimes appalling, extremes. Here, for the first time in one place, are my favorites. Presenting:


Peter’s Top Twelve Christmas Atrocities of All Time

Number 12:

The Messiah Organist Who Couldn’t
(Listen to the very end for the full flavor bouquet.)

Number 11:

Jingle Bells from Another Planet

Number 10:

Sugar Plum Awful.
I’m told this was done on purpose, by a punk-influenced
avant garde music group from the ’70s. Those were the days. I guess.

Number 9:

Turn Down the Lights!
(The first in a series of modest, tasteful displays):

Number 8:

O FLEE, All Ye Faithful
… as far as possible, from this, um, remarkable rendition.

Number 7:

1000640 of the Bells.
(Christmas + chickens + graphics. Who could ask for anything more?)

Number 6:

The second in a series of high-carbon-footprint bizarreness.
This one, somehow, is the creepiest:

Number 5:

Joy to the World:
By a singer named Wing, who apparently has a huge following
and whose vocal stylings have been featured on South Park.

Number 4:

Proof that no one has a stranglehold on nuanced interpretation
of a treasured classic. Take THIS, Wing!
Even More, Bottomless Joy.

Number 3:

Elvis … The Three KingsThe Battle Hymn of the Republic.
Think they don’t fit together? Well, think again!
(Perhaps the first light display that features a bombing of the baby Jesus):

Number 2:

O Unholy Night.
You must listen to the very end. You simply must.
Preferably with the volume turned way up.

Number 1:

Happy holidays to all!
Further words fail me: